curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-10-14 07:25 pm
Entry tags:

tired of work

I should be more consistent with journaling. My life is important. My hobbies are important. I got frustrated at K today. I got a call last week from a new job position I applied for but I was sleeping at the time. I tried to return it but I was unable to get into contact with them. I've been trying the whole weekend to set that up before I have to return to work for the week. Work is kicking my ass. I'm tired all the time. I have been sleeping horribly. It's stressing me out.
It's not worth it. But I won't quit until I have another secure position lined up. But it's just a toxic cycle that keeps repeating and I tried explaining that to K through the phone after work today. He said that was necessary, something that I had to do. And I got very annoyed and just ended the call. I told him I was not in the mood for his jokes today. He called me two times before I finally relened and answered.
I love that he can joke about everything and his sense of humor always brings a smile to my face. His laugh makes me very happy. But he knows I'm very sensitive about this topic and I don't want to dissapoint him but I'm ready to leave this job.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-09-23 08:36 pm
Entry tags:

The Return of Yogi

After so many weeks (dare I say months?) he has returned. Initialy it was a conversation when we ran into each other during a meeting at the break room. I had just arrived and he followed shortly after and went to directly to me after leaving his stuff. I don't even remember what we talked about because I was so confused as to why he was talking to me as if everything was okay when I made it very clear I don't want to socialize with him. He also ran into me during the break that day and after we exchange a few words I went my own wa and ignored him the rest.
I tried to keep my distance because I really had no energy for a couple of weeks. I've been sleeping horrible. I was not even in the mood for my teammates, people I actually enjoy. I could feel him watching me and he tried to make conversation a few times but thanfully it was while I was clocked out so I have no obligation to speak to him. I ignore him most of the time.
But just last week he caught me ending my shift. I finished my work for the day and was literally just helping the rest of my team because I had about twenty minutes before I could go. My team manager asked me to help another team out before I left and I accepted. Yogi has been transfered from that area, but his new area it's still right next to it. I didn't even made it five minutes before he arrived.
I was busy because I was not given a light task to compleate in fifteen minutes and I was not staying after my shift to finish anything. I was extreamly tired. So I was not making that much conversation with him, he was saying the same things as everyone, how I he didn't see him at work anymore and I was never assigned to his area. Around ten minutes after another manager arrived and asked him to do something, I never seen her before but she was talking to my team manager shortly after and I was recently told by another coworker that security watches specific employees managers have told them to keep an out. They call them to let them know and that's why they appear at times coincidentially. But of course, five minutes later he was back at my side. And I moved and literally moved from that area to one he had no bussiness being in. That means he knowingly searched for me. He said he wanted to help me finish the work but I threw the towel and said the team would have to finish this one.
He kept following me even after I said goodbye. And I mean, he literally said goodbye, walked in the oppisite direction of me, towards the exit, while I walked towards the back to return my equiptment to the office and pick up my stuff and after I checked in with my manager and updated him about the status of my task, he appeared asking me why I hand't left already. This was in the back rooms where he had no bussiness being unless he's been given a specific task or is part of the teams of that area. Like mine. There was no reason for him to be there. He went out of his way to enter our space for what?
So I said my goodbye again, went to pick up my stuff and called K to tell him about it. Hopefully if he saw me talking on the phone he would get the hint. He tried to talk to me and I gave him a generic response because I didn't hear what he said. K told me to be frank, but I have been. I've told me he sresses me out, we are not friends and I don't like talking to him so I would appreciate if he kept his distance. I thought he got it. I don't understand what happend and why he feels like he can just talk to me everytime I'm around his area. That's literally not a sign that I'm open for friendships. I still don't want to talk to him. We still just work in the same place. Nothing has changed. And I think there's something seriously messed up with that mindset of his. It's like he doesn't understand rejection. Once I've made up my mind of someone, it's very hard for that to change.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-09-14 08:18 am
Entry tags:

I bought new pens

They are more like colored markers with fine tip. I’ve been wanting them for a while. I should have waited but if I’m going to buy them either way then what’s the point in waiting. I’m going to use them.
I also bought candle wax halloween themed but smells of cake.
I’m supposed to see K today but I need to rest.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-09-13 08:51 am
Entry tags:

it’s raining

I love this weather, especially because I get to sleep. I’m tired because I haven’t been sleeping well this past week. After I arrived from vacation actually.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-30 08:28 pm

back to real life

Back to the real world I guess.
Vacation was great. I wanted to document it in writing but I didn't really have that much time for that. I wish it hadn't ended. Having a bit of trouble getting back to normal. Weather doesn't really help, it's getting chilly outside and the cold just makes me want to lay in bed. Procrastination has been my enemy since forever.
Took a break from caffeine for a few days, needed the reset. I wasn't feeling the celsius. Dreading a bit going back to work but I know it's actually needed.
K had a work event today and it's hanging out with his collegues. It bothers me sometimes when he hangs out with them, I'm not that close with my colleagues. But I also can't be a hypocrite because it's not like I don't actually have a relationship with them. It's rare the times I do but sometimes I accept the invites.
Habibi is feeling hurt by my lack of attention lately. K doesn't really like how close we are and I have to respect that. I wouldn't like him to have that type of relationship with another one. It's not only because of the history we have, but I am actually a bit of a jealous person. I want all his attention to myself. And he's so understanding.
But I miss habibi. It's more K's habibi than mine but I've grown to care for him so much. I don't consider anyone as highly as him. Not even my longest friendships. We have gone through so much.
I have to return some calls. SeaSun has been calling me for a while. Honestly I've given her space because she recently started dating someone seriously after Joker and he seems very nice. I know she centers her attention on her partners, especially if they are starting out. I want her to enjoy that and give herself time to explore everything she's been wanting. Joker was horrible and it took me a while to realize that, I'm still grasping just how bad he was for her. So I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her.
It's been a few months and all I've heard have been good things. I can only hope things are really okay but I do need to check up on her. Plus I've been needing a girls date.
On that note, don't know about the lives of the foursome. They've all been busy with their lives and partners. Literally the last thing I've heard about all of them is their marriage and moving in with their spouses to their new house.
K went with me to a wedding, the other one we didn't get an invite to. Actually no one did, it was very rushed and we found out after. There were talks about an outing but it's been left in the air so who knows.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-19 11:03 am
Entry tags:

too tired to write

Went grocery shopping in preparation for the vacation but I fear I missed some things. I want to keep better track of my groceries but motion hasn’t been working as a my system. I want to use my list app on ios but I don’t think it has all I need.
Tired. Don’t want to work my last day before my vacation. K doesn’t have signal today at work, some kind of maintenance probably. He did call me to let me know when he arrived and noticed his signal wasn’t working. Small things like this are amazing. That’s why I love him so much. He always proves that he thinks about me. Even stuff I don’t ask for. I have to make a reminder to write about princess treatment because someone mentioned it to me and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it but I do have a lot of thoughts.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-18 08:52 am
Entry tags:

the benefits of journaling

It's kinda nice having a space to share everything I can think of, sometimes writing tires me out. I also feel I can think better when I write on a keyboard.
My therapist always asks me if I'm keeping a journal and that question always annoys me. If that was working I wouldn't be paying her. I'm just a rambler.
But I understand how beneficial it is. I don't feel the need to talk so much with people. I also can analyze situations more clearly than just thinking about it. I can have a better tracker for important entries. Honestly finding dreamwith has been amazing. But I feel I don't have the time to write as much as I want to and currently I don't even think I have anything to write about. Nothing really interesting happens other than my dates with K. That's been my only sourse of happines lately and what fills me with joy. I never saw myself with a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as him. I know I'm constantly saying how lucky I am to have him but this was never on my plans. And my experience, although very minimal, hasn't been the best. He fills me with warmth and I feel all fuzzy thanks to him. Even at this distance he's still present and he just brings me peace. I can't believe how much I love him.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-17 09:21 pm
Entry tags:

preparations

I will have plenty of time to write during my vacation but I fear I won't have time to organize everything I need beforehand.
I need to do laundry, I have piles if clothes in need of washing before I leave. I also have to do some grocery shopping and I have to pick up my sister some days this week.
K wants me to stay with him since the last day of work and I still haven't packed the bag. I probably only need an hour. He gets off work after me but that doesn't leave me much time. I don't know when I need to have the bag ready.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-17 09:08 am
Entry tags:

my internet is acting up again

Not much to say. Pretty tired. I didn't sleep that well yesterday and K came home to work in my car. It feels so smooth.
I have to go grocery shopping but I have to make the list beforehand to make sure I don't miss anything. I keep forgetting and then waste money and time on food I don't end up eating.
Work has been pretty good. I have my vacation soon enough but I have a hard time waiting. Thnkfully I'll be busy enough that the days will come by quickly. It's funny how I'm looking forward to having time to do lundry and organize.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-16 10:32 am

Currently watching

Started watching "The Love of My Life" a few days ago. It's pretty good. I love the sets and the clothing, the colors are so pretty. That time period just speaks to me. It's pretty long so at lest it's going to keep me busy for a while.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-15 08:38 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

I'm trying to post everyday. I'm back home and I miss being at K's. I have to go to wok soon and I feel motivated but also wish I could just rest. I want to go back to sleeping with K.
We didn't get to work in the car, he had a bad day at work and had to leave early. We spent it resting and he's trying to get an appointment as soon as he can. He needs the green light to go bck to work. I feel like this is been happening more often and I fear his job is hurting him. He works too much.
I didn't get to organize at home during my free time so I fell behind on laundry. I also need to organize my space because I left everything a mess. I know it's just about investing five minutes everyday to keep everything looking good and putting things back after working with them. I just have a bad case of procrastination and then I snap out of it and realize everything is messed up again. It takes me feeling overwhelmed in my space for me to have the motivation to clean it.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-14 09:03 pm
Entry tags:

another great day

Things couldn’t be going more amazing. K asked for a free day to stay with me and we spent it sleeping together. I’m getting my period soon so I have not been feeling the best. Cramps are worse before it arrives and I left all my necessities at home. I am thinking of making a bag and leaving it in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
I ate breakfast alone because K was too tired and I think he spent the night in his phone. I woke up to him cooking us dinner. We had to make a run to buy some juice because my man drinks a whole gallon with his food basically. He also made sure to buy me some desserts, ice cream, wine and chocolates.
His new tv show of choice it’s Veep so we watched some episodes before I convinced him to watch The Man from UNCLE. I tried watching it three times before and never made it past the first ten minutes. He liked it and I hate that I slept on it so much because it was actually really good. I love that aesthetic.
Our time was cut short by his manager who called him to ask if he could clock in earlier the next shift because one of his colleagues called in. I told him don’t answer, but he of course needs to be a good employee. I feel he shouldn’t really overwork himself that badly. Companies aren’t going to value that as much as they should.
Our time is running out. I felt refreshed yesterday but now I don’t want it to end. We do have our vacation planned but the days will feel so long until then. I miss him just the few hours that he’s at work and I wish I could end my days in his arms always. Everything feels easier with him. I never thought I could love someone like him and be lucky enough to have him love me back. I couldn’t ask for him to treat me better.
He cleaned his whole place and wouldn’t let me lift a finger. I don’t have my pads but I did warn him my period will arrive soon and he gave me some sweatpants he doesn’t mind if I bleed through. We have some chores with the car after his work today so at least we have plenty of time to spent together before I have to say goodbye. I both hate and love long distance.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-13 11:21 am
Entry tags:

my love language?

I don’t consider myself a transitional woman, but I’ve grown to appreciate it. I was never raised as less because of my gender, I was never go own any indication that there was a difference. I was meant to study and work and do anything I felt like doing just like the rest. So it did took me by surprised when I realized the little debate society still has. The fact that some genders have less rights in other countries it’s still wild to me. My brain has a hard time making sense of it.

I was also not taught to be submissive. We are loud, we are opinionated and we like to be heard. I’m definitely a yapper, I could talk your ear off as evidence by my journal. During my childhood I was not allowed to date because I couldn’t get distracted. Of course, suddenly I was expected to have a partner. But that independence stuck with me.

I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to be a kid without having to worry about relationships. I was a witness to the many toxic relationships my friends had during that time. I’m glad I don’t have that much romantic trauma. I was able to focus on things that now serve me in my life and contribute to my future in a positive way.

And I was able to find someone that gives me the love I deserve. He’s truly everything I could’ve ever wished for. He treats me like a princess, loves me unconditionally, is patient. I constantly find myself staring at him and wondering how I’m so lucky to have him. He’s the best most sweetest man ever.

I find myself getting ready while I wait for him to arrive from work. I want him to find me pretty. I want to feed him and make sure he can relax after his long day. I want to make him as happy as he makes me and I know I can’t compare because he has saved me. I can’t ever be to him what he is to me. But I can try to at least make him happy and it makes me happy when I do in return. I don’t think there’s something better about love than that. The fact that seeing someone you love be okay makes you feel okay.

He never expects anything from me. He accepts me just as I am. Yeah, there’s nothing more I could ask from him and I know I’m blessed to be chosen by him. Being his life partner feels like an amazing dream and although I used to have different goals I don’t think I would be disappointed. I know sharing my life with him won’t become a burden. I can’t say I’ve been decades with him but the few years we’ve had had been wonderful. I know things won’t be perfect but they every challenge we’ve faced I’ve been grateful for. It has made us stronger. And although I felt I needed a century to make sure someone was the one for me, he has broken down that misconception.

I wish I never lose him and that he’s always safe.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-13 09:41 am
Entry tags:

great days

I took some free days from work and decided to spend them last minute with my partner. I feel very guilty for not being able to perform as good as usual. I like to feel proud of my work and when I know I’m not doing my best it starts to lose its meaning. I could give my position to someone else that could help better.
But I can’t help enjoying my time with the love of my life. Everything else seems to matter less when I’m around him. He takes care of everything. And I want to be the best person I can because of him. But also I don’t want to give him any more burdens. He already has so many responsibilities. I don’t want to be another one. He does trust me to be independent and help him but sometimes I wish he would let me do more. He doesn’t need to take everything upon himself. We could divide things more equally.
But regardless the days have been amazing. I know there’s even more time planned later for us but I can’t help wishing it wouldn’t end. I hate going back to my regular life most times. It feels whimsical when I’m with him. Like I’m in a fairytale. Just existing with him with not a care in the world. But then the reason why I love it so much when it happens it because it’s not and everyday thing.
They say distance makes the heat grow fonder and it feels that way. I can’t wait until we are able to spend every day together and see each other waking up and going to sleep.
I also want us to enjoy this time so we don’t have any regrets later. I want to live everything I have to live at this moment. I don’t want to rush things. But I’m lucky enough to have found my safe space in him and it does feel wonderful. I love playing house with him.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-11 08:17 am
Entry tags:

Just another day

I do enjoy my work but I feel today wasn't my best. The last couple of days have been the same. I'm kind of tired of seeing the same people over and over again. And I feel guilty, even though I know I'm a good employee, for not being able to complete all the responsabilities my higher ups have entrusted in me. I don't want to fail in this new jouney I have embarked on but I
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-10 08:08 am
Entry tags:

What happened with Yogi

I do believe we are entitled to be selective with whom we choose to share our time. I met Yogi a few months ago when I got my previous position. He used to work around the same area in the company so I saw him constantly and we exchange a few words but nothing that personal to the point I didn't knew his name.
Soon after he asked for a transfer to another part of the company were I spent the majority of my shift. My team is some sort of support group for the rest of the teams and a lot of our time is dedicated to helping them out when they are falling behind schedule. I didn't see the coincidence at the time but one of the longest conversation we had was right before his transfer when I asked him about a license the members of his past team need to have. He told me it was not really worth it and that he was thinking of asking for the move to the Gm Team because he was in need of something more chill. Which I, as someone who helps them out constantly, knew was not a good idea. When I saw him a week later he was in his current position.
Now, it's a bit of a common joke between some of the members I frequently help, because my team is one of the newer teams and we haven't been doing this dynamic for that long, that they owe me a beer for helping them out. I actually enjoy my work and I sometimes after my shift ends, even though we are not allowed to do overtime, I stay to help them finish their tasks for the day. Because that's work that accumulates and the company has very strict goals. Part of the reason my team exist is because we need to achieve the goals stablished for the day and it doesn't really matter if the Gm team has the whole hundred mumbers it needs that day or if only eighty made it, the work is still the same. I don't mind staying a few extra minutes if it means finishing all they have proposed for the day.
Now going back to the beers... A guy who's from Gm team but from the app section told me after a shift to drink a couple of cold ones and it had been such a tough week that I accepted. But of course, in the middle of we finishing the last details and clocking out we ran into him. At this point I hadn't noticed anything weird, the first inkling was actually that day. But ever since his transfer to the gm team I had been running into him at the end of our shifts. Not exactly weird considering we clock out on the same place.
He started talking to me so I jokingly asked him if he wanted to drink and he accepted. He kept talking to me and I introduced him to the other coworker. I'm a very friendly person so I'm always trying to at least be nice. We went and bought the drinks and sat nearby to the company. We spoke for a few minutes but then Yogi said someone called him and he had to go. Me being very direct asked him who, because his phone did not ring and I didn't even see him galnce at it. But he didn't answered. After he left, Bob told me Yogi seemed to be interested.
Apparently he looked very happy when I asked him if he wanted to drink something but his face soured when I introduce him to Bob. But me being the very distracted person that I am and always being in La La Land, didn't noticed. I'm never paying attention to that sort of thing because I'm always expecting for people to just tell me. And I was extreamly confused, because I have a partner. We've been together for five years. I wear his name, have a huge picture in the back of my phone of us together, talk to him the whole day. Have even talked about him with some of our coworkers. He's my life. I don't introducied myself by saying I'm in a relationship but it's not something I really hide.
So to know someone had hopes of something with me took me by surprised.
Bob also told me Yogi always kept to himself and I was the first person he ever saw him speaking to at work. Which to me isn't really that strange because I technically kept to myself too, is just that I'm friendly, like I said. Plus I have ADHD so I get distracted easily. Which is why people know not to talk to me for too long.
Because I hadn't noticed anything strange I decided to give him a chance. Although my partner is not a jealous person, I still don't like to build relationships with people that want something more than just a friendship. Even a friendship is not something that I'm really in the market for. I have a routine I'm very happy with. I don't really have time for more relationships than the ones I have. I love my people too much to strech my time that way. It's not really healthy. I actually see my coworkers as just that. I don't think that makes me a bad person. Is not that we can't hang out occasionally, just that I won't go out of my way to socialie with them.
And I tried to explain that to him multiple times. We are not friends, I'm not open to any more friendships, I don't actually need them. I'm very happy with my current life and I want to keep it that way. He always took it a bit personal, but I was always very direct. I have my life outside of work and I like it as such.
After his transfer I saw him less during our shift but more during our break. He always showed up next to me, even though I like to have a solitary lunch. I already socialize at work too much.
One time, I had to transfer funds from one account to the other. I have to keep track of how much money I spend that way. It took me less than a second but he was paying right before me and he placed his card before I could place mine. I was incredibly annoyed because I don't like people doing that. By the time he placed his card I was ready to place mine. We weren't even talking and he had the nerve to take it upon himself and pay for my lunch. I don't like that. I don't allow people to spend money on me, and it's such a disgusting feeling when someone does without even asking. I have such a thing with boundaries. I always ask for confirmation before anything. Even the smallest thing. And I take special notice when people don't. I don't surround myself with people like that. It gives the potential for something else.
And I decided to distance myself from him. That meant not engaging in coversations other than greetings. Thankfully my job kept me far away from him because I had been given an assigment for a few weeks. Something that he didn't failed to mention anytime he saw me. I'm not my boss, I don't choose my assigments despite how close my team is with our team manager.
I had managed to not see him for weeks when we ran into each other at the parking lot. He signaled me to go to him and I asked him why. He said to just go and I told him no. He could walk over to me or tell me from there but I was going home, it had been a long day. I noticed that bothered him but I was not moving any closer and after he told me nothing when I questioned what was it, I said my goodbyes and went home.
The next day, when I was finishing helping another gm, he told me Yogi has spoken to him because I didn't speak to him anymore and he was my friend and felt hurt.
When I say that gave me the most inmense ick ever, I felt I was going to vomit.
What kind of manipulative shit are you trying to pull? I talk to whoever I want to. I don't have to talk to you. We are most definitively not friends. I've told him multiple times. We just work together, nothing more. And to go to another coworker because I chose not to go to you? This is not high school.
He must've forgot we work in coorporate and everyone knows everyone bussiness. I was assigned a different assigment and I don't even go to his area anymore. However, he still finds ways to end up where I'm working at the moment. Like the time he ended up in the area when we were working with some special brands. He kept starting conversations and saw me taking a pic of something my partner is a fan of, so he took that as an in. I ended up sharing that I was somewhat of a fan of certain franchise and he acted suprised. He explained he never met anyone that liked that franshise. Such a condescending thing to say the way he meant it. I then had to break the news to him that he knew a sad number of people for that to be the case considering it's one of the most popular franshises ever. But bold to admit, I give him that.
Even the other coworkers have started to notice, trying now to keep him away from me and even telling him to get back to work when he tries talking to me.
What really cemmented that I want nothing to do with him is that fact that a close coworker of his lended Yogi the computer I had lended him and called him my partner. Which someone whom I've seen eating lunch with him constantly should know it's not true. I was so confused I had no idea whom he was talking about until after it was returned to me by Yogi the next day.
I've told my partner and he has agreed that it's best to keep my distance. But I can't help feeling guilty. I also know it's best for all. I don't need any more friends and based on our personalities I don't think we are really compatible. I feel that at his grand age of thirty he should know that. His life should be stabe enough to not get attached to a coworker you don't even know. We've worked together for about six hours, that's not enough to build a friendship. At least not for me. And I'm allowed to not want to.
curiouscloud: Girl sitting with red and white flowers kimono and black shirt, long black hair to the side and sitting with her arm on tom of the counter holding her head. (Default)
2024-08-09 09:20 pm
Entry tags:

I don’t have to be friends with you

Sometimes I feel people have this sort of entitlement to others people's time and attention. I don't think anyone really owes you a friendship. People shouldn't take things so personal. Someone at work has been bothering me for months because they want a friendship. I used to believe one should always be surrounded by people but as the years have passed I've become to appreciate my solitude. I don't want to be constantly surrounded by tons of people even if they are friends. In some days I'm in the mood but most times I'm honestly too tired to be good company and what I want is just to lay under my bedsheets and just relax. I adore the people I have in my life, but I don't need to be constatnly around them to have our friendship. I think part of the reason why the relationhips I have are so strong has to do with the disance we have allowed ourselves to have. My best friend started to date a recently and has two jobs, all the free time is deditacted to them. But that doesn't mean I'm not there getting ocasional updates and check ups, even if we take days to answers. We could take months and we will still be there for each other. And I cheerish that. Not everyone that you see alone is actually lonely. People not liking you is normal, everyone has different preferences. If they don't want a freindship it shouldn't be the end of the world.