I should be more consistent with journaling. My life is important. My hobbies are important. I got frustrated at K today. I got a call last week from a new job position I applied for but I was sleeping at the time. I tried to return it but I was unable to get into contact with them. I've been trying the whole weekend to set that up before I have to return to work for the week. Work is kicking my ass. I'm tired all the time. I have been sleeping horribly. It's stressing me out.
It's not worth it. But I won't quit until I have another secure position lined up. But it's just a toxic cycle that keeps repeating and I tried explaining that to K through the phone after work today. He said that was necessary, something that I had to do. And I got very annoyed and just ended the call. I told him I was not in the mood for his jokes today. He called me two times before I finally relened and answered.
I love that he can joke about everything and his sense of humor always brings a smile to my face. His laugh makes me very happy. But he knows I'm very sensitive about this topic and I don't want to dissapoint him but I'm ready to leave this job.

They are more like colored markers with fine tip. I’ve been wanting them for a while. I should have waited but if I’m going to buy them either way then what’s the point in waiting. I’m going to use them.
I also bought candle wax halloween themed but smells of cake.
I’m supposed to see K today but I need to rest.

Went grocery shopping in preparation for the vacation but I fear I missed some things. I want to keep better track of my groceries but motion hasn’t been working as a my system. I want to use my list app on ios but I don’t think it has all I need.
Tired. Don’t want to work my last day before my vacation. K doesn’t have signal today at work, some kind of maintenance probably. He did call me to let me know when he arrived and noticed his signal wasn’t working. Small things like this are amazing. That’s why I love him so much. He always proves that he thinks about me. Even stuff I don’t ask for. I have to make a reminder to write about princess treatment because someone mentioned it to me and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it but I do have a lot of thoughts.

I will have plenty of time to write during my vacation but I fear I won't have time to organize everything I need beforehand.
I need to do laundry, I have piles if clothes in need of washing before I leave. I also have to do some grocery shopping and I have to pick up my sister some days this week.
K wants me to stay with him since the last day of work and I still haven't packed the bag. I probably only need an hour. He gets off work after me but that doesn't leave me much time. I don't know when I need to have the bag ready.

Started watching "The Love of My Life" a few days ago. It's pretty good. I love the sets and the clothing, the colors are so pretty. That time period just speaks to me. It's pretty long so at lest it's going to keep me busy for a while.

Things couldn’t be going more amazing. K asked for a free day to stay with me and we spent it sleeping together. I’m getting my period soon so I have not been feeling the best. Cramps are worse before it arrives and I left all my necessities at home. I am thinking of making a bag and leaving it in my car for impromptu sleepovers.
I ate breakfast alone because K was too tired and I think he spent the night in his phone. I woke up to him cooking us dinner. We had to make a run to buy some juice because my man drinks a whole gallon with his food basically. He also made sure to buy me some desserts, ice cream, wine and chocolates.
His new tv show of choice it’s Veep so we watched some episodes before I convinced him to watch The Man from UNCLE. I tried watching it three times before and never made it past the first ten minutes. He liked it and I hate that I slept on it so much because it was actually really good. I love that aesthetic.
Our time was cut short by his manager who called him to ask if he could clock in earlier the next shift because one of his colleagues called in. I told him don’t answer, but he of course needs to be a good employee. I feel he shouldn’t really overwork himself that badly. Companies aren’t going to value that as much as they should.
Our time is running out. I felt refreshed yesterday but now I don’t want it to end. We do have our vacation planned but the days will feel so long until then. I miss him just the few hours that he’s at work and I wish I could end my days in his arms always. Everything feels easier with him. I never thought I could love someone like him and be lucky enough to have him love me back. I couldn’t ask for him to treat me better.
He cleaned his whole place and wouldn’t let me lift a finger. I don’t have my pads but I did warn him my period will arrive soon and he gave me some sweatpants he doesn’t mind if I bleed through. We have some chores with the car after his work today so at least we have plenty of time to spent together before I have to say goodbye. I both hate and love long distance.

I took some free days from work and decided to spend them last minute with my partner. I feel very guilty for not being able to perform as good as usual. I like to feel proud of my work and when I know I’m not doing my best it starts to lose its meaning. I could give my position to someone else that could help better.
But I can’t help enjoying my time with the love of my life. Everything else seems to matter less when I’m around him. He takes care of everything. And I want to be the best person I can because of him. But also I don’t want to give him any more burdens. He already has so many responsibilities. I don’t want to be another one. He does trust me to be independent and help him but sometimes I wish he would let me do more. He doesn’t need to take everything upon himself. We could divide things more equally.
But regardless the days have been amazing. I know there’s even more time planned later for us but I can’t help wishing it wouldn’t end. I hate going back to my regular life most times. It feels whimsical when I’m with him. Like I’m in a fairytale. Just existing with him with not a care in the world. But then the reason why I love it so much when it happens it because it’s not and everyday thing.
They say distance makes the heat grow fonder and it feels that way. I can’t wait until we are able to spend every day together and see each other waking up and going to sleep.
I also want us to enjoy this time so we don’t have any regrets later. I want to live everything I have to live at this moment. I don’t want to rush things. But I’m lucky enough to have found my safe space in him and it does feel wonderful. I love playing house with him.

I do believe we are entitled to be selective with whom we choose to share our time. I met Yogi a few months ago when I got my previous position. He used to work around the same area in the company so I saw him constantly and we exchange a few words but nothing that personal to the point I didn't knew his name.
Soon after he asked for a transfer to another part of the company were I spent the majority of my shift. My team is some sort of support group for the rest of the teams and a lot of our time is dedicated to helping them out when they are falling behind schedule. I didn't see the coincidence at the time but one of the longest conversation we had was right before his transfer when I asked him about a license the members of his past team need to have. He told me it was not really worth it and that he was thinking of asking for the move to the Gm Team because he was in need of something more chill. Which I, as someone who helps them out constantly, knew was not a good idea. When I saw him a week later he was in his current position.
Now, it's a bit of a common joke between some of the members I frequently help, because my team is one of the newer teams and we haven't been doing this dynamic for that long, that they owe me a beer for helping them out. I actually enjoy my work and I sometimes after my shift ends, even though we are not allowed to do overtime, I stay to help them finish their tasks for the day. Because that's work that accumulates and the company has very strict goals. Part of the reason my team exist is because we need to achieve the goals stablished for the day and it doesn't really matter if the Gm team has the whole hundred mumbers it needs that day or if only eighty made it, the work is still the same. I don't mind staying a few extra minutes if it means finishing all they have proposed for the day.
Now going back to the beers... A guy who's from Gm team but from the app section told me after a shift to drink a couple of cold ones and it had been such a tough week that I accepted. But of course, in the middle of we finishing the last details and clocking out we ran into him. At this point I hadn't noticed anything weird, the first inkling was actually that day. But ever since his transfer to the gm team I had been running into him at the end of our shifts. Not exactly weird considering we clock out on the same place.
He started talking to me so I jokingly asked him if he wanted to drink and he accepted. He kept talking to me and I introduced him to the other coworker. I'm a very friendly person so I'm always trying to at least be nice. We went and bought the drinks and sat nearby to the company. We spoke for a few minutes but then Yogi said someone called him and he had to go. Me being very direct asked him who, because his phone did not ring and I didn't even see him galnce at it. But he didn't answered. After he left, Bob told me Yogi seemed to be interested.
Apparently he looked very happy when I asked him if he wanted to drink something but his face soured when I introduce him to Bob. But me being the very distracted person that I am and always being in La La Land, didn't noticed. I'm never paying attention to that sort of thing because I'm always expecting for people to just tell me. And I was extreamly confused, because I have a partner. We've been together for five years. I wear his name, have a huge picture in the back of my phone of us together, talk to him the whole day. Have even talked about him with some of our coworkers. He's my life. I don't introducied myself by saying I'm in a relationship but it's not something I really hide.
So to know someone had hopes of something with me took me by surprised.
Bob also told me Yogi always kept to himself and I was the first person he ever saw him speaking to at work. Which to me isn't really that strange because I technically kept to myself too, is just that I'm friendly, like I said. Plus I have ADHD so I get distracted easily. Which is why people know not to talk to me for too long.
Because I hadn't noticed anything strange I decided to give him a chance. Although my partner is not a jealous person, I still don't like to build relationships with people that want something more than just a friendship. Even a friendship is not something that I'm really in the market for. I have a routine I'm very happy with. I don't really have time for more relationships than the ones I have. I love my people too much to strech my time that way. It's not really healthy. I actually see my coworkers as just that. I don't think that makes me a bad person. Is not that we can't hang out occasionally, just that I won't go out of my way to socialie with them.
And I tried to explain that to him multiple times. We are not friends, I'm not open to any more friendships, I don't actually need them. I'm very happy with my current life and I want to keep it that way. He always took it a bit personal, but I was always very direct. I have my life outside of work and I like it as such.
After his transfer I saw him less during our shift but more during our break. He always showed up next to me, even though I like to have a solitary lunch. I already socialize at work too much.
One time, I had to transfer funds from one account to the other. I have to keep track of how much money I spend that way. It took me less than a second but he was paying right before me and he placed his card before I could place mine. I was incredibly annoyed because I don't like people doing that. By the time he placed his card I was ready to place mine. We weren't even talking and he had the nerve to take it upon himself and pay for my lunch. I don't like that. I don't allow people to spend money on me, and it's such a disgusting feeling when someone does without even asking. I have such a thing with boundaries. I always ask for confirmation before anything. Even the smallest thing. And I take special notice when people don't. I don't surround myself with people like that. It gives the potential for something else.
And I decided to distance myself from him. That meant not engaging in coversations other than greetings. Thankfully my job kept me far away from him because I had been given an assigment for a few weeks. Something that he didn't failed to mention anytime he saw me. I'm not my boss, I don't choose my assigments despite how close my team is with our team manager.
I had managed to not see him for weeks when we ran into each other at the parking lot. He signaled me to go to him and I asked him why. He said to just go and I told him no. He could walk over to me or tell me from there but I was going home, it had been a long day. I noticed that bothered him but I was not moving any closer and after he told me nothing when I questioned what was it, I said my goodbyes and went home.
The next day, when I was finishing helping another gm, he told me Yogi has spoken to him because I didn't speak to him anymore and he was my friend and felt hurt.
When I say that gave me the most inmense ick ever, I felt I was going to vomit.
What kind of manipulative shit are you trying to pull? I talk to whoever I want to. I don't have to talk to you. We are most definitively not friends. I've told him multiple times. We just work together, nothing more. And to go to another coworker because I chose not to go to you? This is not high school.
He must've forgot we work in coorporate and everyone knows everyone bussiness. I was assigned a different assigment and I don't even go to his area anymore. However, he still finds ways to end up where I'm working at the moment. Like the time he ended up in the area when we were working with some special brands. He kept starting conversations and saw me taking a pic of something my partner is a fan of, so he took that as an in. I ended up sharing that I was somewhat of a fan of certain franchise and he acted suprised. He explained he never met anyone that liked that franshise. Such a condescending thing to say the way he meant it. I then had to break the news to him that he knew a sad number of people for that to be the case considering it's one of the most popular franshises ever. But bold to admit, I give him that.
Even the other coworkers have started to notice, trying now to keep him away from me and even telling him to get back to work when he tries talking to me.
What really cemmented that I want nothing to do with him is that fact that a close coworker of his lended Yogi the computer I had lended him and called him my partner. Which someone whom I've seen eating lunch with him constantly should know it's not true. I was so confused I had no idea whom he was talking about until after it was returned to me by Yogi the next day.
I've told my partner and he has agreed that it's best to keep my distance. But I can't help feeling guilty. I also know it's best for all. I don't need any more friends and based on our personalities I don't think we are really compatible. I feel that at his grand age of thirty he should know that. His life should be stabe enough to not get attached to a coworker you don't even know. We've worked together for about six hours, that's not enough to build a friendship. At least not for me. And I'm allowed to not want to.