curiouscloud

After so many weeks (dare I say months?) he has returned. Initialy it was a conversation when we ran into each other during a meeting at the break room. I had just arrived and he followed shortly after and went to directly to me after leaving his stuff. I don't even remember what we talked about because I was so confused as to why he was talking to me as if everything was okay when I made it very clear I don't want to socialize with him. He also ran into me during the break that day and after we exchange a few words I went my own wa and ignored him the rest.
I tried to keep my distance because I really had no energy for a couple of weeks. I've been sleeping horrible. I was not even in the mood for my teammates, people I actually enjoy. I could feel him watching me and he tried to make conversation a few times but thanfully it was while I was clocked out so I have no obligation to speak to him. I ignore him most of the time.
But just last week he caught me ending my shift. I finished my work for the day and was literally just helping the rest of my team because I had about twenty minutes before I could go. My team manager asked me to help another team out before I left and I accepted. Yogi has been transfered from that area, but his new area it's still right next to it. I didn't even made it five minutes before he arrived.
I was busy because I was not given a light task to compleate in fifteen minutes and I was not staying after my shift to finish anything. I was extreamly tired. So I was not making that much conversation with him, he was saying the same things as everyone, how I he didn't see him at work anymore and I was never assigned to his area. Around ten minutes after another manager arrived and asked him to do something, I never seen her before but she was talking to my team manager shortly after and I was recently told by another coworker that security watches specific employees managers have told them to keep an out. They call them to let them know and that's why they appear at times coincidentially. But of course, five minutes later he was back at my side. And I moved and literally moved from that area to one he had no bussiness being in. That means he knowingly searched for me. He said he wanted to help me finish the work but I threw the towel and said the team would have to finish this one.
He kept following me even after I said goodbye. And I mean, he literally said goodbye, walked in the oppisite direction of me, towards the exit, while I walked towards the back to return my equiptment to the office and pick up my stuff and after I checked in with my manager and updated him about the status of my task, he appeared asking me why I hand't left already. This was in the back rooms where he had no bussiness being unless he's been given a specific task or is part of the teams of that area. Like mine. There was no reason for him to be there. He went out of his way to enter our space for what?
So I said my goodbye again, went to pick up my stuff and called K to tell him about it. Hopefully if he saw me talking on the phone he would get the hint. He tried to talk to me and I gave him a generic response because I didn't hear what he said. K told me to be frank, but I have been. I've told me he sresses me out, we are not friends and I don't like talking to him so I would appreciate if he kept his distance. I thought he got it. I don't understand what happend and why he feels like he can just talk to me everytime I'm around his area. That's literally not a sign that I'm open for friendships. I still don't want to talk to him. We still just work in the same place. Nothing has changed. And I think there's something seriously messed up with that mindset of his. It's like he doesn't understand rejection. Once I've made up my mind of someone, it's very hard for that to change.

Back to the real world I guess.
Vacation was great. I wanted to document it in writing but I didn't really have that much time for that. I wish it hadn't ended. Having a bit of trouble getting back to normal. Weather doesn't really help, it's getting chilly outside and the cold just makes me want to lay in bed. Procrastination has been my enemy since forever.
Took a break from caffeine for a few days, needed the reset. I wasn't feeling the celsius. Dreading a bit going back to work but I know it's actually needed.
K had a work event today and it's hanging out with his collegues. It bothers me sometimes when he hangs out with them, I'm not that close with my colleagues. But I also can't be a hypocrite because it's not like I don't actually have a relationship with them. It's rare the times I do but sometimes I accept the invites.
Habibi is feeling hurt by my lack of attention lately. K doesn't really like how close we are and I have to respect that. I wouldn't like him to have that type of relationship with another one. It's not only because of the history we have, but I am actually a bit of a jealous person. I want all his attention to myself. And he's so understanding.
But I miss habibi. It's more K's habibi than mine but I've grown to care for him so much. I don't consider anyone as highly as him. Not even my longest friendships. We have gone through so much.
I have to return some calls. SeaSun has been calling me for a while. Honestly I've given her space because she recently started dating someone seriously after Joker and he seems very nice. I know she centers her attention on her partners, especially if they are starting out. I want her to enjoy that and give herself time to explore everything she's been wanting. Joker was horrible and it took me a while to realize that, I'm still grasping just how bad he was for her. So I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her.
It's been a few months and all I've heard have been good things. I can only hope things are really okay but I do need to check up on her. Plus I've been needing a girls date.
On that note, don't know about the lives of the foursome. They've all been busy with their lives and partners. Literally the last thing I've heard about all of them is their marriage and moving in with their spouses to their new house.
K went with me to a wedding, the other one we didn't get an invite to. Actually no one did, it was very rushed and we found out after. There were talks about an outing but it's been left in the air so who knows.

It's kinda nice having a space to share everything I can think of, sometimes writing tires me out. I also feel I can think better when I write on a keyboard.
My therapist always asks me if I'm keeping a journal and that question always annoys me. If that was working I wouldn't be paying her. I'm just a rambler.
But I understand how beneficial it is. I don't feel the need to talk so much with people. I also can analyze situations more clearly than just thinking about it. I can have a better tracker for important entries. Honestly finding dreamwith has been amazing. But I feel I don't have the time to write as much as I want to and currently I don't even think I have anything to write about. Nothing really interesting happens other than my dates with K. That's been my only sourse of happines lately and what fills me with joy. I never saw myself with a boyfriend, let alone someone as perfect as him. I know I'm constantly saying how lucky I am to have him but this was never on my plans. And my experience, although very minimal, hasn't been the best. He fills me with warmth and I feel all fuzzy thanks to him. Even at this distance he's still present and he just brings me peace. I can't believe how much I love him.

I'm trying to post everyday. I'm back home and I miss being at K's. I have to go to wok soon and I feel motivated but also wish I could just rest. I want to go back to sleeping with K.
We didn't get to work in the car, he had a bad day at work and had to leave early. We spent it resting and he's trying to get an appointment as soon as he can. He needs the green light to go bck to work. I feel like this is been happening more often and I fear his job is hurting him. He works too much.
I didn't get to organize at home during my free time so I fell behind on laundry. I also need to organize my space because I left everything a mess. I know it's just about investing five minutes everyday to keep everything looking good and putting things back after working with them. I just have a bad case of procrastination and then I snap out of it and realize everything is messed up again. It takes me feeling overwhelmed in my space for me to have the motivation to clean it.

I don’t consider myself a transitional woman, but I’ve grown to appreciate it. I was never raised as less because of my gender, I was never go own any indication that there was a difference. I was meant to study and work and do anything I felt like doing just like the rest. So it did took me by surprised when I realized the little debate society still has. The fact that some genders have less rights in other countries it’s still wild to me. My brain has a hard time making sense of it.

I was also not taught to be submissive. We are loud, we are opinionated and we like to be heard. I’m definitely a yapper, I could talk your ear off as evidence by my journal. During my childhood I was not allowed to date because I couldn’t get distracted. Of course, suddenly I was expected to have a partner. But that independence stuck with me.

I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to be a kid without having to worry about relationships. I was a witness to the many toxic relationships my friends had during that time. I’m glad I don’t have that much romantic trauma. I was able to focus on things that now serve me in my life and contribute to my future in a positive way.

And I was able to find someone that gives me the love I deserve. He’s truly everything I could’ve ever wished for. He treats me like a princess, loves me unconditionally, is patient. I constantly find myself staring at him and wondering how I’m so lucky to have him. He’s the best most sweetest man ever.

I find myself getting ready while I wait for him to arrive from work. I want him to find me pretty. I want to feed him and make sure he can relax after his long day. I want to make him as happy as he makes me and I know I can’t compare because he has saved me. I can’t ever be to him what he is to me. But I can try to at least make him happy and it makes me happy when I do in return. I don’t think there’s something better about love than that. The fact that seeing someone you love be okay makes you feel okay.

He never expects anything from me. He accepts me just as I am. Yeah, there’s nothing more I could ask from him and I know I’m blessed to be chosen by him. Being his life partner feels like an amazing dream and although I used to have different goals I don’t think I would be disappointed. I know sharing my life with him won’t become a burden. I can’t say I’ve been decades with him but the few years we’ve had had been wonderful. I know things won’t be perfect but they every challenge we’ve faced I’ve been grateful for. It has made us stronger. And although I felt I needed a century to make sure someone was the one for me, he has broken down that misconception.

I wish I never lose him and that he’s always safe.